I had a scope last Friday to try to figure out the weight loss. It went all right. He took some biopsies to test for a few conditions but otherwise things looked fine. I recovered better than I thought I would from the anesthesia. The next day though I spiked a fever and had chills and my beta blocker wasn’t bringing my heart rate down like it usually does. I just felt horrible. The GI on call told me I needed to go in to have infection ruled out. Fortunately my in laws could watch the boys and bring me in. My nurses were nice and took great care of me while I was there. My CBC showed the same thing that’s been happening over the past 6+ months. My hemoglobin, hematocrit, and RBCs have dropped more. I know it’s normal for CBC levels to bounce around but mine never bounce up, it’s a steady downhill and my levels are out of range and of course I’m freaking out. My potassium was low, it often is, and my calcium has dropped more – that’s been happening since I had my thyroid removed. No word on the blood cultures for bacteria but I called the nurse at my GIs and she said she’d call if they were abnormal. No call, I assume normal. I’m still feeling pretty low – like I’m about to get the flu but don’t. I get this frequently but usually not to this extent. My joints, skin, and throat hurt. My fever is gone but I still have chills and then get really warm. So tired I could sleep in a dumpster. I have some swollen lymph nodes and I’m pretty good at freaking myself out. Maybe the blood levels aren’t something as sinister as I believe them to be but who knows. Maybe it’s simple anemia from the malabsorption. My tachycardia is worse and I am scared to go anywhere because I feel like I’m going to pass out sometimes when I’m driving and have to pull over. I had to lay down in my car after running in to the store to get some evil Powerade yesterday after another test. It’s like I can’t get myself hydrated no matter how much I drink.
I don’t know how I’m getting out of bed. My poor kids are stuck with a mom who is sick, angry, lashing out at them for just being kids… I am heartbroken and feel so guilty for how I treat them at times. I can’t cope with the constant fighting and crying and there’s not a damn thing I can do to change anything. I don’t feel any joy and all they want is for me to be playful and silly with them like I used to be. I do make a good highway though. I picked up the Cymbalta that my neurologist wants me to try and after reading the novel that came attached to bottle, I freaked – I am waiting until I see him next month to talk about it some more. Plus I don’t like starting new meds when I’m alone with the kids. I suppose that’s it.