What I Won’t Be 

You know… I want to be calm. I want to be the trusting, loving being that I see in others. So many people are going through just pure shit, more than I am – and yet they’re so gracious. I don’t know how to be that way. I don’t think I can be. I’m not sure if these people have just perfected keeping their anger in or if they feel REAL peace. I’ve never been someone who can just accept and be still and trust. I give it to God too – but it’s usually my middle finger. I scream in his face. I tell him he’s an asshole. I tell him to fuck off. But there he is, still right there. Ridiculously constant. Sometimes that pisses me off more – you’re right THERE! DO SOMETHING! I want to be calm during the storms but I’m not and I don’t think that will ever be me. I’m opinionated and emotional and I will let it show. 

My posts on here don’t often express much other than anger and frustration but I AM grateful. Grateful and hateful all at once. I won’t apologize for the attitude of my blog though. I am grateful that my children are healthy and pretty happy. I am angry that there are sick children fighting for their lives and dying. I am grateful I am here with my babies everyday. I am scared that my illnesses will take me away from them too soon. I am grateful to have a loving family and a husband that works hard to support us. I am angry that much of his country and those in charge don’t give a shit about the sacrifices he makes. I am grateful that I have access to medical care. Yet so pissed that they can’t just figure it the hell out – things are getting worse, please just find a damn answer. I was doing all right for awhile, just accepting the Dysautonomia/POTS and learning to deal with that… I can deal with that. Anytime things get worse and new symptoms appear, I feel like losing it. God, don’t you know I just reached “acceptance”?? I think it’s more the what is it now than the what I know I have that brings me down. One step forward, two steps back. 

Anyways, to those calm, gentle souls out there – I admire you. But I will never be you. I will always be turbulent. 

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One thought on “What I Won’t Be 

  1. This is really brave of you to say. It’s so easy to feel like a bad Christian when you’re angry – especially when it’s because you’re wondering where your healing’s got to… I take comfort in how many angsty psalms there are which set a precedent that it’s ok to be honest with God. But doesn’t make it easier sometimes to let go of the idea you’re somehow in the wrong! My blog spooniesisters is for all of us ladies battling with chronic pain, would love you to check it out if you’re interested. Sending love, empathy and good vibes. Rose x

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