I Don’t Want To Do This Anymore…

But I don’t have a choice. I’m not sure how to get through all of this. I am completely overwhelmed. Everything about me is broken. I use humor and I joke in my writing and when I see people – but it’s all fake. I say I’m okay. I feel empty, scared, hopeless, alone, and exhausted. 

My mom is coming to visit again this week to help out with the kids, and my sanity, while I have more tests. She gets here Wednesday afternoon. I saw my ENT a few days ago to recheck my thyroid nodules and they’ve grown. So have some lymph nodes nearby on my neck and collarbone. On Wednesday morning I have more biopsies on two of the nodules and he may try for a lymph node. At this point he’s leaning towards surgery to remove the thyroid and lymph nodes and I am more than okay with that. Take the damn things. My last biopsies went from malignant to inconclusive to benign. How that happens… I don’t know? Thursday is several hours of autonomic testing in Seattle, Friday I see an oral surgeon for removal and biopsy of a growth on my gums, Sunday I have a gastric emptying scan that takes 4-5 hours at the crack of dawn, Tuesday it’s back to Seattle for a quick EMG, and my mom leaves Wednesday. Whirlwind. 

We used to go to church and I was working on a relationship with God and it was nice. Not easy, but nice. It helped me deal with fears I’d been having for a long time. Once I got sick, I stopped trying. I stopped praying, aside from the occasional sobbing of  “please God…” followed by nothing. I am angry with God. So angry. Not just because of what’s going on with me. That’s a part, but it’s really the whole world. Terrible things happen everywhere, all the time. I understand that we have free will and that leads to people hurting other people but isn’t that enough? Babies dying hours after they’re born from congenital defects, little kids getting cancer, parents leaving their children before getting to see them grow up. Isn’t dying of old age enough with everything else that can go wrong, at the hands of other men, before then? It’s all shit if you ask me. Anyways, I’ve been slowly trying to make my way back to where I wanted to know God and believe in his choices and timing. Sometimes I’m there, most of the time I’m not. I guess this is a little “off topic” and maybe too real. But I’m not okay. I’m tired of pretending I am, even though I’m going to keep on doing just that. This song isn’t something I’d usually like but I’ve been drawn to it. Maybe it will speak to someone else who is struggling. 

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3 thoughts on “I Don’t Want To Do This Anymore…

  1. Hang in there…… illness, especially the ones you have bravely shared that you are having to struggle with, will overwhelm the strongest of us women. As a mother, you have proven you are an overcomer. By sharing your feelings, you are helping so many of us that are coping with similar negative thoughts. IT never does end…. but our perspective and action to IT will. Keep sharing, keep moving forward… you are NOT alone.

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    1. I wrote a song that is first person Christ when I was ready to have a personal relationship with Him. This song goes through His sufferings and submission to His Fathers will. His whole purpose for being born was to give us comfort, peace, and show us the way back home. In order to do this His Father or as I like to call Him ” Heavenly Father” had to take away Christ’s Godlike powers and he became totally mortal so He could feel our pains. This happened while he was in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the Cross. That is how I realized he could understand my physical and emotional pains and give me the strength to endure my struggles on earth. I believe that we each have our set duration of time here on the earth to prove we can live by faith and use the Savior as our example. We are born to live, love, experience, and return home to the loving arms of our Heavenly Father and Savior. I dont know all the answers and know I wont. I do know that leaving this earth is not a bad thing in the eyes of God, just another stepping stone to eternal life. Those who die young are the valiant ones. They didn’t need to be refined as much as we do. Thats how I look at that. Anyway when you go to my website http://www.hartsongs.net The song I wrote called “Gethsemane” will start playing along with a powerpoint. Let me know what you think! Remember to keep knocking and let the Savior give you the strength you need to make it through this challenge. He has felt your pain and He loves you more than you can comprehend! Let Him in, and be aware of the tender mercies around you! I hope this helps! By the way I grew up with Carol. She was my sisters best friend. She was and still is beautiful inside and out! Take care!

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  2. You can do this! I know how exhausting and frustrating it can be, especially when trying to put on a happy and brave face for everyone else to see. You’re allowed to feel all of those negative feelings. I find it often helps me to allow myself a day or two to just cry and hate everything and be angry and upset with the world and with God. It helps me get out the negativity so I can go back to trying to be happy for a bit. No matter how exhausting it is, just keep putting one foot in front of the other! I hope you get some relief soon!

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