I Don’t Want To Do This Anymore…

But I don’t have a choice. I’m not sure how to get through all of this. I am completely overwhelmed. Everything about me is broken. I use humor and I joke in my writing and when I see people – but it’s all fake. I say I’m okay. I feel empty, scared, hopeless, alone, and exhausted. 

My mom is coming to visit again this week to help out with the kids, and my sanity, while I have more tests. She gets here Wednesday afternoon. I saw my ENT a few days ago to recheck my thyroid nodules and they’ve grown. So have some lymph nodes nearby on my neck and collarbone. On Wednesday morning I have more biopsies on two of the nodules and he may try for a lymph node. At this point he’s leaning towards surgery to remove the thyroid and lymph nodes and I am more than okay with that. Take the damn things. My last biopsies went from malignant to inconclusive to benign. How that happens… I don’t know? Thursday is several hours of autonomic testing in Seattle, Friday I see an oral surgeon for removal and biopsy of a growth on my gums, Sunday I have a gastric emptying scan that takes 4-5 hours at the crack of dawn, Tuesday it’s back to Seattle for a quick EMG, and my mom leaves Wednesday. Whirlwind. 

We used to go to church and I was working on a relationship with God and it was nice. Not easy, but nice. It helped me deal with fears I’d been having for a long time. Once I got sick, I stopped trying. I stopped praying, aside from the occasional sobbing of  “please God…” followed by nothing. I am angry with Him. So angry. Not just because of what’s going on with me. That’s a part, but it’s really the whole world. Terrible things happen everywhere, all the time. I understand that we have free will and that leads to people hurting other people but isn’t that enough? Babies dying hours after they’re born from congenital defects, little kids getting cancer, parents leaving their children before getting to see them grow up. Isn’t dying of old age enough with everything else that can go wrong, at the hands of other men, before then? It’s all shit if you ask me. Anyways, I’ve been slowly trying to make my way back to where I wanted to know God and believe in his choices and timing. Sometimes I’m there, most of the time I’m not. I guess this is a little “off topic” and maybe too real. But I’m not okay. I’m tired of pretending I am, even though I’m going to keep on doing just that. This song isn’t something I’d usually like but I’ve been drawn to it. Maybe it will speak to someone else who is struggling.